I had to think about it. Of course. What did I expect? It's me. Something crosses my mind, ear and I am not able to get rid of it again. Not that easy.
I thought about it. Picky.
I thought about it. Picky.
Yeah I am. In friends, in music, in love, in life.
But there is a reason for it. I always have chosen my boyfriends...as a second choice, I wanted someone else but I knew I would not get it so... I tried to distract myself with someone else. Ending up in a week-lasting relationship: 4, 3, 2, 1.
At the beginning I tried to tell me I am in love. It feels alright, he is a nice guy.
Alarm in my head ignoring. Traces of panic raise.
Got stronger the harder I tried to tell me & believe that everything is alright.
After a few weeks I gotta give up. The alarm is too loud, too red and this relationship didn't make me feel how I should feel.
End.
I tried a few times. Mainly because at the beginning sometimes I was convinced that I wanted them. Wanted to be with them.
At the beginning I tried to tell me I am in love. It feels alright, he is a nice guy.
Alarm in my head ignoring. Traces of panic raise.
Got stronger the harder I tried to tell me & believe that everything is alright.
After a few weeks I gotta give up. The alarm is too loud, too red and this relationship didn't make me feel how I should feel.
End.
I tried a few times. Mainly because at the beginning sometimes I was convinced that I wanted them. Wanted to be with them.
I knew it was a lie but there must have been something wrong with me right? Everybody else was in a relationship just mine never worked out.
Nowadays I know it was actually nothing about "being wrong" or "being else". Okay I am an alien and I know it, I knew it and I am proud of it.
They didn't fit my personality and it would just have been mean keeping them longer in line as I alreadu have done after a couple of weeks.
It startled me. All the others maybe are able to pretend something that is further away from reality than the distance between earth and sun.
Which is a lot. Nothing compared to sun - pluto but still :).
I always tried to be satisfied with something that didn't feel exactly right and then when I expected it least then it came and caught my heart.
I knew immediately when I grabbed her hand that it is alright. I feel safe.
There was no other way to discover this feeling as to experience the "switch off of the red lights".
It was like the alarm system was out of order.
And that's it. That is when you know that it is alright. That it fits.
No fear was my only condition.
Hearts without limits. The relationship before Nadine already made it a little feel like this but actually - yeah I know I was the asshole that cheated on her but...her will, her need, want to fight... Her need to be right all the time and her tries to tell me WHAT I should do, killed the core of something beautiful.
Which I am sorry for in a way. In a way not. Cos it led me where I am now. Who I am now.
With whom I am right at this moment.
Second choices?
Leads to despair, is exhausting and will never feel the way it should feel. And therefore will never be a guarant for never-ending bliss.
Cos even you tell yourself it is right, your soul will always know there is something wrong.
Eventually it will eat your soul, mental damage can be forecasted.
If something is not alright it won't be ever. Not in the past, not in the present and certainly not in the future.
Nowadays I know it was actually nothing about "being wrong" or "being else". Okay I am an alien and I know it, I knew it and I am proud of it.
They didn't fit my personality and it would just have been mean keeping them longer in line as I alreadu have done after a couple of weeks.
It startled me. All the others maybe are able to pretend something that is further away from reality than the distance between earth and sun.
Which is a lot. Nothing compared to sun - pluto but still :).
I always tried to be satisfied with something that didn't feel exactly right and then when I expected it least then it came and caught my heart.
I knew immediately when I grabbed her hand that it is alright. I feel safe.
There was no other way to discover this feeling as to experience the "switch off of the red lights".
It was like the alarm system was out of order.
And that's it. That is when you know that it is alright. That it fits.
No fear was my only condition.
Hearts without limits. The relationship before Nadine already made it a little feel like this but actually - yeah I know I was the asshole that cheated on her but...her will, her need, want to fight... Her need to be right all the time and her tries to tell me WHAT I should do, killed the core of something beautiful.
Which I am sorry for in a way. In a way not. Cos it led me where I am now. Who I am now.
With whom I am right at this moment.
Second choices?
Leads to despair, is exhausting and will never feel the way it should feel. And therefore will never be a guarant for never-ending bliss.
Cos even you tell yourself it is right, your soul will always know there is something wrong.
Eventually it will eat your soul, mental damage can be forecasted.
If something is not alright it won't be ever. Not in the past, not in the present and certainly not in the future.
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